They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
