You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
