she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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