I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
