You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Randomize
