Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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