i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
