first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
