oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
