If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
