I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
