woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
