so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
