This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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