mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
