I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
