actually, I'm a sock model
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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