I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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