I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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