I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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