Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
