life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
