I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
