my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
