Kareoke will never be a sober sport
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
