I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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