After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
