let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
