I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
