Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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