operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
