I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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