I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
