Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
