I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
