I think I died a long time ago.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
