I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
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