Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
