yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
