I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Banned from zoo.
Again?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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