im drinking this country out of the recession.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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