Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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