i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
