I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
