I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
