one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
