girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
