Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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