whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
