Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
